ttfa bad moms

Bad Moms - Transcript

This is a transcript of a “Terrible, Thanks for Asking” episode entitled “Bad Moms.” The text may not be in its final form and may be updated or revised in the future for accuracy.

Listen to the episode here.

Uh, hello everybody. This is Nora McInerny. This is kind of “Terrible, Thanks for Asking.” Just checking in, wanna see how everybody’s doing. We’re doing fine and also, as a parent, my children are primarily being educated by Disney+ and the Nintendo Switch. 

And I have to say, even if you don’t have children, it is weirdly soothing to watch old movies on Disney+. I mean, movies from the ‘60s were very weird. I’m talking “The Cat From Outer Space.” I’m talking “My Mother, The Car.” It was a weird time of anthropomorphizing objects and animals. 

And a lot of these movies are problematic in different ways, but “The Parent Trap” is weirder than you remember. The original Hayley Mills one? Weirder than you remember. Very strange. Also, they do not at all address the trauma that would come from discovering that you have an identical twin at camp and that your parents split you up in the divorce and just… pretended the other parent and child did not exist. It’s a wild ride. 

That’s not the actual topic of today’s show. Today’s show doesn’t really have a topic. Today’s show is like a little break for you. It’s a little emotional palate cleanser. It is intended purely to make you laugh. It is part of an audiobook that I recorded — before quarantine, obviously. It is the audiobook for the book BAD MOMS, which is a novel that I wrote based on the movie “Bad Moms,” which is what put me into labor with my baby who is no longer a baby — he is 3 years old. Watched that at home, laughed so hard I was like, “Something weird is happening.” The weird thing was a baby was coming out of me. And I don’t even really know how it happened, but I got asked to write the novel version and to take these hilarious characters and this funny plot line and turn it into a book and add depth and story and more than can fit in a 90-minute comedy film. I got to write a comedy novel. It was so fun. it was so fun. 

So here it is. Here’s a huge, big chunk of it for you. We’ll be back in your ears making you cry pretty soon. Next week. Next week we’ll be here to give you the emotional catharsis you’re looking for, really pull those tears from your eyes, give you the heavy sobs you’ve been relying on to relieve that emotional congestion. But today we’re just going to laugh. And if you are a mom who gave birth through... there might be children listening but I think it’s okay to say “vagina.” I’m gonna tell ya: There’s a risk of pants peeing. There’s always a risk of pants peeping if you’ve given birth to a child. We know that. There’s a reason I don’t participate at trampoline parks. That’s a lie. I do. But I try to isolate myself because there will be a dampness.

Why am I telling you all his? I’m so lonely. Oh my god. I’m sitting here at home, which is actually what I always do. I always work from home, so I don’t know why I’m pretending like this is some big disruption to my life. This has always been my life. I sit at home and I write and then I sometimes get to go into the studio and see Marcel and see Jeyca and see Hannah. Mostly we’re working not together, but because I can’t see them now, I’m extremely lonely for them. So… go analyze that if you will.

So, here we go. Here’s something funny for you. Laugh LOL if you want to. You can laugh silently. I’m not going to tell you you must laugh out loud, but to me that is the best way to laugh. I laugh like a cackling hyena-witch hybrid, and everyone makes fun of my laugh. And I like that about myself. I like my weird laugh. This is now a self-esteem tape for all of us: Name a weird thing about yourself that you like. 

So, reporting live from the floor of my dining room that is now my office because I was too lazy to go downstairs and sit in the car, so forgive me for the sound quality in here... I’m also bummed that we can’t go on a tour right now and see everybody. Did we have one planned? No. But now I’m lonely for that. Also, I just know things are so fricking hard. They’re so hard for so many of us. So many of us are suffering. And this is a really hard time for a lot of you, and I am so sorry, and I am thinking of you every day — so much so that I have a little block of anxiety in my chest and I need to return my psychologist’s phone call because she wants to talk before she just re-ups my prescription for a controlled substance, which is very responsible of her.

Okay bye.

Read the first three chapters of BAD MOMS here.