Happyish Holidays 2018

We're back with our third annual Happyish Holidays episode! This year:

Ccomedian Alyssa Limperis shares with us the holiday letter she wrote the year her dad died from brain cancer.

We talk with Jay Mathews, a 48-year-old father and son who, with stage IV cancer, is probably experiencing his last holidays with his family.

And we ask listeners what they took away from 2018, what they're looking forward to in 2019, and what it is about hoping for something that can be so scary.

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Transcripts may not appear in their final version and are subject to change.

I’m Nora McInerny and this is Happyish Holidays from the American Public Media podcast Terrible, Thanks for Asking.

If you haven’t listened to our podcast, you can probably tell from the title that it’s about science. Just kidding, it’s a podcast about feelings, pretty much. It’s a podcast about your REAL feelings, not just the happy face you put on for everyone when your life is falling apart.

Today, we’re talking about the holidays. And today, I am your ghost of past, present and future! I’m walking you through the holidays of yesteryear, today year, and… tomorrow year? I think I have that correct.

But we start, just like in therapy, with the past.

Alyssa Limperis grew up with a dad who was the absolute best. No offense to your dad, but Mr. Limperis was fantastic. And he wrote amazing letters every Christmas, letters that would accompany the Christmas card and give a thorough and lighthearted update to every recipient, leaving them fully informed on the goings on in the Limperis household.

But now, Alyssa’s dad is dead because cancer, and there’s nobody to fill her Dad’s letter writing shoes. Or is there? 

We asked Alyssa to write the honest Christmas card letter to reflect that first year after her Dad’s death. To really give everyone a taste of what the holidays are like without one of the people you love the best.

Alyssa: 

Well it’s been another banner year in the Limperis household. 2015 gifted us with consistently worse new dawns piled delicately on top of each other, creating a record setting level of stress. We did it! We broke a record! While 75% of the Limperis clan went unemployed this calendar year, we managed to do more work than we thought humanly possible. Each day was packed to the brim with sadness, debilitating anxiety and extensive efforts to help dad feel a little bit better in the face of stage IV brain cancer. We spent the better part of the year up North at our second home, Dana Farber, but we managed to find some moments for ourselves as well:

Alyssa was a busy bee! She has wanted a puppy for as long as she could speak and this year she finally got her first pet – a set of persistent bedbugs who loyally stayed by her side for months. She received them right upon moving into a brand new place and promptly had to throw away all of her belongings, lose her broker’s fee and head to Craigslist to find a new pad. Luckily, she managed to find a great spot in the hot East Village with a walk in closet! Fun! She lived in the walk in closet. She remained unemployed for the better part of the year but used her spare time to develop an anxiety provoked heart murmur, lose a considerable chunk of her hair & go through a breakup.

Linda had an equally busy year! She spent the majority of it doing everything. Everything! She then spent her free time doing hobbies like paying the bills and being in charge of dad’s pills and driving dad everyday to radiation and never leaving dad’s side and cooking meals and doing every activity that dad wanted and working with a nutritionist to try to slow down dad’s tumor and helping her kids with their problems and maintaining a home and learning more about Glioblastoma than our neuro-oncologist’s medical students and doing daily laundry and surprising dad with a new porch and making every holiday special and barely showering because she truly didn’t have the time. And all that with a broken shoulder she got when protecting dad from a wave in the ocean. Jingle Bells!

Mark Mark Mark! Mark managed to be the sole source of income and stability* for our family this year. As the saying goes, “Money can’t buy happiness but we have neither”. He not only provided us with the “green” (like red and green, Merry Christmas!), but he was able to still maintain a vibrant nightlife. He spent countless nights up until 5am talking Alyssa down from panic attacks and existential crises. He celebrated his 28th birthday with a surprise party – Alyssa woke him up in the middle of the night and asked if he could talk through the exact same thing they talked through directly before going to bed. We’re all proud of Mark this year, especially Alyssa’s therapist, for shouldering her load.
*Mark took two leaves of absences, lived in three apartments & saw one friend once

Lastly, Dad spent this year honorably fighting for his life while continuing to make us laugh every single day. He was given a terminal cancer diagnosis and he took it the way he did everything in his life: with courage, resilience and light. He never asked why, never complained, never gave up hope and never left our sides. Instead of spending his last year dying, he spent it teaching us how to live. He died on October 20th, 2015 but he hasn’t left our sides since. We are all in stinging pain as we approach our first Christmas without him but we are getting by with his spirit as our guide. He’s here. Harder to see, but he spent 2015 reminding us where he would be and how we could find him when we could no longer see him. He’s here and he will be for all the banner years to come.

We wish you a beautiful holiday with your family and we thank you for all of your unwavering support this year. We couldn’t have done it without you. In our sadness and emptiness, we continue to find hope in your love. Be well. Go run with bells for Jim.

The Limperis Clan

That was Alyssa Limperis, comedian and writer. You can find her at alyssalimp on Twitter and Instagram.

Alyssa’s letter made us wonder… how many other people are racking their brains to put a positive spin on a genuinely terrible year. 

And we have some groundbreaking news for you -- not everything is as good as we make it look online! A lot of us had a really, really hard year! 

A lot of us have had a LOT of really hard years. 

In our tireless research, we found out that there ALSO actually dozens of people who have perfectly lovely holidays, and always have. People who come from very functional, loving households, and tons of great memories. 

Jay: Christmas 1984 so... That was the year that my brother and I were responsible for basically initiating my sister and purchasing gifts for the rest of the family. 

Nora: Welcome to consumerism.

Jay: Yeah exactly. So…

Nora: Here's the basics. 

Jay: My parents gave her money and our job was to take her to Maplewood Mall and help her by Christmas gifts for the rest of the family. So we take her there. She's about seven years younger than me... my older brother is a year and a half older so he was able to drive... and I honestly don't know what she bought. I'm sure it was. ..you Know what does a what does an 8 year old buy for their parents?

Nora: What they want.

Jay: Yeah whatever. Right.

Nora: They're like "I got this doll dad. I thought you'd love it oh you don't? Weird." 

Jay: In reality I'm sure it was something way more practical... but when we were shopping my brother and I saw this red Dickey in Sears a mock turtleneck... and we just we only... 

Nora: It's only like half a--

Jay: Yeah. it doesn't even come down-- it just comes down far enough that if you had your top button undone it would just barely get below that.

Nora: But OK first of all people love to mock Dickie's but I think that we should bring them back because sometimes you want a turtleneck look without wearing a whole nother shirt. 

Jay: I'm sure that's what we were thinking when we purchased this thing. So we just we thought it was the funniest thing so our idea was we're going to buy this this red Dickiei at Sears... and we're going to we're going to wrap it up and package it and on the label it's going to say "from Carrie to dad". And we just thought that is going to be so funny because he's going to have to open this thing up and like feign you know "Oh thank you so much this is great." And so we did we purchased this Dickey with our own money... and wrapped it up. And then the challenge was when we were opening gifts was we had to make sure that one got in his hands before her real gift right? So we were kind of negotiating in that piece and we get the the gift in my dad's hand and he looks and he goes "oh ok. From Carrie" and she kind of looks like "I don't remember using that wrapping paper" she was kind of right away a little suspicious about what was going on and he... opens it up and pulls out this red Dickie and my brother and I... we were laughing so hard we thought it was the funniest thing. 

Nora: What is Carrie like is she like “what is that? What's half a shirt doing here?”

Jay: Yeah she was just right away adamant like "I did not buy that" and my dad was on to us right away because we were we were laughing so hard we were just rolling around. The best part is that Dicky now has been in the family for 34 years and it just keeps showing up. 

Nora: Do you know where it is right now?

Jay: You Know I think I actually might have it. it's possible that that I have the Dickie.

Some people are like Jay. They take a joke --although I want to be clear that dickies are not a joke, they are a brilliant sartorial invention -- and they make it into a tradition that makes their holiday even better. And when their happy, holiday-loving family is hit with something awful? People like Jay and his family STILL LOVE IT! THEY STILL FIND THE TINSEL ON THE BURNING TREE!! Not a phrase, but let’s make it one!

Jay: So my dad had mesothelioma. 

That is a cancer caused by asbestos. It’s not good at all. And it got especially not good for Jay’s dad around Christmas 2009, when he was put into hospice care..

Jay: We all got together for Christmas for the last time he was... Christmas Day he was actually in the hospital. it took a few days to get him out of the hospital and then they sent him home on hospice three days after Christmas and then we celebrated that evening. And just that the last... dinner with the whole family the last Christmas... we were all sitting at the table and he just raised a toast and said "well we all made it." And that was tough. That was pretty tough. But it really... there was something about it happening around the holidays and all being able to experience the holidays together one last time that made it really special. You have that time to you know say those final words and communicate things. So he said "this is the way to go. I know I am going so very loved." Man it just hit me like a ton of bricks. And I think you know part of what made that whole experience so special and not so heartbreaking because obviously when your dad dies that's pretty heartbreaking but... knowing that that's how he felt really helped.

Jay’s dad died a few days after Christmas.

He died loved. The very best way to go. 

Part of losing a loved one, especially a loved one we ACTUALLY loved, not just someone who got the title “loved one” by default? Is that it’s very easy for all events after their death to have a what-if quality to them. What if Dad were here? What would our Christmas letter say? What advice would he impart on me? How much better of a job would I do of just appreciating him, while he was right here, with me?? 

We don’t usually get an answer to those what-ifs.

But a few years after Jay’s dad died, Christmas past and Christmas present collided in a way that truly only ever happens in movies and now in podcasts, I guess.

Jay: So my dad passed away in 2010 and in 2015 there was a gift underneath the tree. And we're passing out the gifts and this was was from dad to Jay and Dilek-- that's my wife. And... I thought well this must be a mistake because you get three generations of people and there's all kinds of dads and stuff in that room but... Opened it up and it was his handwritten notes... from the speech that he gave at our wedding.

Jay: Advice for a Successful Marriage. When your wife says she isn't hungry always take twice as much as you can eat because she will always eat half of what you get.

Nora: That’s a fact. That’s a fact. Great advice.

Jay: Don't take each other for granted. Make family a priority. Don't backwash your pop if you're both drinking out of the same bottle. Take time to have fun. Never stop dreaming about what you can do together even if your folks just shake their heads when you tell them about it. 

Take vacations. Be able to laugh at yourselves. Never use the last sheet of toilet paper without replacing the roll. 

Take time to talk. Never underestimate your ability to make life better for someone else by letting them know you care about them. Pick your fights and know when to walk away. Build on each other's strengths and use them in your relationship. Be each other's best support system. Always put the toilet seat down when you're done. 

Nora: So what was it like opening this in 2015 and seeing her dad's handwriting?

Jay: Yeah that that was... Obviously that was pretty emotional... Cause I didn't know that document existed. My parents have done that before too where they will find something from-- I did these these drawings when I was probably in first grade of Superman Batman and Robin and they actually came back. I don't know when I was about 44 or something. I got this gift at Christmas and it was these drawings that I had done that were framed that are now hanging up in my older son's room. I love that kind of stuff. Where you know things that you didn't know were still around. Like the Red Dickey and they just come back at the holidays. I guess our family kind of had a knack for that kind of thing.

The end of a year is the natural home for these ghosts from our past. We think of a year as a marker of something. Another rotation around the sun. Where the conditions… sunrise… sunset… weather… are as close as they ever will be to something we remember.

So it’s a natural place to look back from… to measure against who you thought you would be… and what you thought you would do.

And often in those reflections… the people we used to know come back to us. Sometimes they tell us stories. Sometimes they make us embarrassed for that time we knocked a kid unconscious during recess in fifth grade -- . And sometimes they deliver us… once again… advice and instruction on how to love one another.

We are going to take a quick break. When we return… Jay’s family gets a familiar, recurrent visitor for the Holidays.

I’ll give you a hint … ho, ho, ho! Merry Cancer!

I’m Nora McInerny, and this is Happyish Holidays from the American Public Media podcast Terrible, Thanks for Asking. We’ll be right back.

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Welcome back to Happyish Holidays from the American Public Media podcast Terrible, Thanks for Asking. I’m Nora McInerny.

Most therapists I’ve had explain that depression is being past focused, and anxiety is being future focused and the way to stay okayish is to just...be in the present. Standing on a little footbridge between those two places. 

That’s something that Jay Matthews can relate to. He has stage IV metastatic mesothelioma. It’s the same cancer that his father had… and died from… 9 years ago.

But Jay is… 48 years old. Which means Jay has had 48 years of really good Holidays. You heard about some of them earlier. His cancer is in his lungs… and his liver. And stage IV means that this Christmas might be his last. 

So, just a few weeks before the holiday season got into full swing, Jay stopped by our studio in St. Paul, MN to hang out on that little footbridge between the past and the future. To talk about...now. Mostly.  

Nora: For people who are...dreading this holiday season... What advice would you impart and how to make it as enjoyable as possible?

Jay: You know I think the key is trying to trying to take that pressure off of of all of the the gifts and all of that and trying to trying to make this perfect holiday event. It's just... I don't know that that's realistic. 

That’s really good advice. 

We could all use that advice. As we’re negotiating which family we’ll spend which holiday with this year, and which one next year... and when we’re negotiating with extended family over the price limit for gifts, and why we don’t want them giving our kids piles of plastic crap that requires batteries and makes noise...while we’re trying to establish our own holiday traditions … we often see our Holidays as being a continuum. Where each year has to be at least as  good as the previous one. And the next one. Tradition helps the past blend into the future, but there’s always that year coming up that you dream about. One where everyone ACTUALLY shows up to dinner on time. One where you aren’t the weird aunt who gave your nephews a gift they couldn’t even PRETEND to like. One where everyone is going to do their own thing and you’re going to Jamaica alone to just...read, quietly. Not like that’s my fantasy or anything, I love my family! I...love my family. 

I did push Jay a little bit. Like, yeah, take the pressure off. But how?? How do you do that?? 

Jay: What I don't want to say is "Hey you know could be your last…”

Nora: But it could be!

Jay: “... could be worse. Could be your last holiday. Now go have some happy holidays."

But what if Jay’s first piece of advice -- take the pressure off -- was enough? What if you did take that at face value? 

What if you knew -- not just in an oh, anything could happen kind of way -- but knew, statistically speaking, that in all actuality, this Christmas would be your last with your family? At age 48. With two teenage sons.

Jay: So our plan is to go to Montana. Which my mom and brother both live in Montana. I love going out to Montana. There's just something-- you know the snow is coming down. My mom lives in this house that's a little off the beaten path… and you wake up and literally there will be elk in the front yard. And you're looking at the mountains. And it's just beautiful. It is like-- that is the Christmas scene for me so being out there with the boys we get to go sledding on like hills that are actual mountains. And it just feels like... Yeah this is-- this is the way you celebrate Christmas. You know there's the potential that it's my last Christmas. That will be on my mind. The the-- I think the challenge for me will be just tucking that far enough back that I'm able to enjoy it for what it is. It will definitely be different though than any of the past Christmases because... there's a little bit of pressure that should be really special. So this is just you know-- in case my mom is listening you know I'm looking for some big gifts this year. Last chance.

Not all of us are going to be able to go to Montana for the Holidays. I checked flights already, we can’t ALL go there. But it doesn’t really matter where you go. Or if you go anywhere. Because when you might be approaching your last holiday season...it also means that you’re approaching a lot of lasts. It means that time itself has a different weight to it, a different sense of meaning. 

Jay: There has been a shift for me because... In the past I would measure good days based on how productive I was. I'm not very productive anymore pre-cancer... Going to a record store or finding a record and going home and listen to the record that would not have been a good day. I'd be like "I didn't get anything done." And once I had cancer you don't-- you don't have the energy. You don't have the stamina. You know to do a lot of the things that I had been doing you know... painting or fixing something around the house and so... your concept of a good day shifts what I used to call-- I used to tell my wife like if we don't get something done I'm going to be mad at the day. Not so much anymore. 

Nora: I also fall into a trap of like worshipping at the altar productivity above all else. And that as a measure of my worth. 

Jay: Yeah absolutely. my productivity... is pretty limited. I mean there's still-- you know I will have a plan for today I want to you know extract myself from my work email. Which took way longer than I thought because I had worked at the same place for 12 plus years whatever it is and... That was like the only email I had. And now that I'm not working like... oh my gosh I have to set up an e-mail and shift everything over and like --the little things like that. Just like OK that's on my list of things that I need to do. Send some thank you cards and... Just... 

And it's so.. Not about the gifts. It's just about getting together and… I don't know that I feel a lot of pressure in that area. It's-- it really is just... Let's get the family together eat way too much. Hang out. Tell stories. Play some games. I love that. I think that's why I actually love Thanksgiving more than Christmas is because there isn't that... present factor. But it has all the other pieces. 

Nora: If this were your last Christmas... What would make this a good Christmas? 

Jay: You know I think if it was like every other Christmas. if it didn't feel very different from what we've done in the past. That would be a good Christmas. That is part of the thing with... the situation I'm in right now is just how do you keep things as normal as possible? I just want to live a normal life. And that's that hard with everything that's going on. But but that's what feels best that's what you know that's and it's comforting. 

Nora: I think that-- for me-- If I were younger and somebody said "So when you're 31 your husband's going to die." I would have imagined that. OK I'm going spend that last year... With my husband and we're gonna quit our jobs or we're going to go like do all these crazy things and like we did-- No. We worked and we stayed in our house and... We went on a honeymoon and that was... That was what we did. And that was... Also I think the happiest I've ever been. Were like... Those hard days because we just got to like be. And I think that people will be surprised by that. Just the comfort that you find in... In just your normal life. 

Jay: Right. Yeah. So I stopped working I think a couple of weeks ago now. My wife... works four days a week. So she's home on Fridays. But now she is working from home on three of those four days. So she's home. Which is great. And oftentimes it's just us sitting next to one another. She's doing work and I'm reading or looking any e-mails or doing something and just just being together and being in the same room is really comforting. It's wonderful it's it's great to just have her... there... you know just getting to have time together.

Again. Great advice. Advice I know, from watching my own husband die slowly of brain cancer, that is accurate and important. There is nothing more important that we have than time. There is nothing better to give the people we love -- to get from the people we love -- than actual time together. Time where you’re not trying to squeeze the BEST from every moment, but time when you realize that the best thing IS this moment. This moment on the couch, with each of you quietly tapping at your own laptop. This moment in the morning, when your dog does that thing where she snuffles right into your mouth and it’s kind of gross but also? Just the only way she can say, HEY I LOVE YOU. 

This concept of time, though,  is very hard to impart on children... who have recently learned about consumerism and have somehow fished from the recycling the many, many gift guides mailed to your home by various retailers. It’s hard to remember as a grownup when our time has so many demands on it. When every moment that we have can be quantified into billable hours, workable hours, hours that have a monetary value that we tend to spend mostly...at work. Because someone has to be the grown-up and pay the mortgage and the kids...aren’t grown-ups yet. 

We are not, as far as I know, all going into this holiday season thinking that it is our last. Some of us are, and like Jay, you know that. And some of us are, and we have no idea. And some of us have many, many more holidays ahead of us. Many more chances to get it right. Or wrong. Or just...normal?

Many more chances to make this season whatever we want it to be. 

Nora: Yeah if you find it who’s getting the dickie this year?

Jay: Yeah… who would get the dickie this year? You know really… this would be the time to pass it along to one of the boys potentially. The problem with that is it requires a degree of responsibility to hold onto that and then get it back in rotation later… and 15 and 12…

Nora: It’s a little sketchy…

Jay: I don’t know 12 year old might be able to pull it off 15 year old not yet. What it would have to take is… because this is literally how basicallyeverythign has to happen now is… Dilek would have to tell them… it is your job to put the dickie in the box and put the… which kind of defeats the purpose. Yeah… that is one thing that needs doing I need to block off some time to…

Nora: Find that dickie.

Jay: To find that dickie that’s going to be really important. Because that needs to come out this year.

Nora: It’s got-- this is the year…

Jay: If there’s one thing this whole show has taught me today is… we gotta find that dickie. That’s critical.

Nora: It’s critical not just to the success of Christmas 2018… but to Christmases future… no pressure.

Jay: If there’s no dickie in my final christmas… I’m going to be mad at Christmas.

That is Jay Matthews. He is a father, a husband, a brother and a son with Stage IV terminal cancer. He is a very good friend.… and we wish him and his entire family the most normal Holiday season ever. And most importantly, that they find that Dickie.

When we come back… 2018 is old news and we’ve moved on to a hot new thing. 2019! The future! What will it bring us? Flying cars? Cats that stay permanently kitten sized?? 

I’m Nora McInerny, and this is Happy… ish Holidays from the podcast Terrible, Thanks for Asking. We’ll be right back.

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I’m Nora McInerny, and this is Happy… ish Holidays from the podcast Terrible, Thanks for Asking.

For many of us, The Holiday Season is a time of reflection and a time of… projection. It’s not to look ahead to a shiny new year and not be overtaken with all of the possibilities within it. 

Here is the thing about possibilities. They don’t just exist in a shiny future. They exist in a shiny future that we can only see through the lens of our present, which is all scuffed up with our past experiences. 

It’s called perspective. And it means that when we’re looking forward, we’re all looking from our own angles.

Sara: I held on for some hope or maybe desperation that I would miraculously get pregnant naturally as March April and May rolled by. In May we had a birthday party for our dog. She turned 5. There is nothing that screams Check Out This childless couple like a birthday party for a dog. And weirdly after three years of trying... we did not get pregnant in those months. So June hits and it's IVF time. I won't bore you with all the logistics of how this all works except to tell you it didn't. Thirty thousand dollars at least gone and nothing to show for it except for a higher credit card balance than we were comfortable with... one picture of our embryo... that wasn't meant to be... and a body left with bruises and bumps. It wasn't worth it. I don't care what anyone says. It didn't work and it wasn't worth it. Maybe one day I will be able to say oh yeah it was so worth it but for now I'm like nah f that this sucks. So Happy Holidays everyone. I hope they don’t suck.

The end of a year is a time of transition. We’re taking stock and making lists. We’re looking back and looking forward and  hopefully we don’t trip and fall and break our phones while we do that. 

So we’re here, looking towards a new year and hoping for the best, but knowing, looking back at the year we just had? it could for sure be the worst. 

Jessica: Oh 2018. Well what got us through this year after losing our baby boy at birth last year... was hope. Astoundingly we were able to keep hoping that our future held something beautiful and bright... even after such a devastating loss. We stumbled through the majority of the year but managed to find some pockets of joy. That was until the end of October came and we learned I was miscarrying what should have been our rainbow baby. Hope left my body along with that baby. And I don't know when it will return. Or if it will return. So I guess we're looking forward to 2019 as much as we can be. And really the only thing I'm capable of hoping for at this point is that 2019 doesn't suck as much as the last two years.

All of my Pinterest boards are set to secret. 

You know why?

Because what I hope for myself -- the true vision of what I would like my life to look like? -- is embarrassing to me! It’s so embarrassing to just, really want something. To have a clear vision for your future that includes crafts YOU WILL NEVER DO.

And that is what Pinterest is for me. It’s a place for me to build a secret future where, you know what? I might learn to tile my own bathroom! A secret future where I plan and prep meals for my whole family using gluten-free, dairy-free recipes that are nutritious AND edible!  

I know I am not ever going to tile my own bathroom or meal prep!! 

But what if I did??

What if 2019 was the year it all happened for me? The year I became my secret Pinterest boards?

Laura: So what I'm looking to do in 2019 is to change my behavior. Because a lot of times I'll think of things they want to do with my life... Or you know just something different I want to try. And then I come up with this mental pro/con list where I put one thing in the pro side and a ton of things and the negative side and then I don't follow through on it. And often I dictate that con list based on what's the appropriate adult thing to do. Because... I don't know. I have this weird idea that we all have to be adults and... It's very structured. And I don't want to disappoint myself. So I put a lot of pressure on myself which is stupid. Because I'm 29. I'm allowed to make mistakes. And I'd rather go out there and live big and do crazy things and not live by this code because... The inaction I have been taking... sucks. So goals for 2019: Deciding to do things and then actually following through.

See!! That’s exactly why my Pinterest boards are secret. All that pressure. To live by the code and not make mistakes. That peppermint candy wreath that I pinned in a moment of inspiration had BETTER COME OUT PERFECTLY… if I ever let that secret me pin an actual thing to our door. 

SIDE NOTE- I showed my producer Hans my Ideal Holiday secret Pinterest board AS A SECRET for research... And then he betrayed me by writing my secret into this script!!! Now I have to make this peppermint candy wreath!!!!! And it better be good!!!!!

So, we asked our listeners to do the radio equivalent of showing us their secret Pinterest boards. We asked them to tell us their most top secret hopes and dreams for the coming year.

We asked them to tell us...what do you want?

Michael: That is an interesting question. What do I want? In 2019. I don't think I've been asked What do I want... God in years I... want a healthy happy family. And it has been a really rough couple of years with my health and having a miracle baby. My husband unfortunately relapsing. So... I'm just hoping that somehow in 2019 we can all heal emotionally and keep our family together. And nothing is stopping me from taking that risk because I am already doing all the hard and scary cancer treatment stuff that I need to do. And my husband is in intensive outpatient therapy and just completed... rehab so...this year I'm going to be hopeful and optimistic. And I want my family together... As I'm sure you can hear my little one in the background fighting his nap. Hopefully he sleeps more too. Thank you. 

Emily : What do I want for the year? I mean apart from living through the year and what's stopping me. Hopefully not my health but that's a big question. I was diagnosed with stage 4 Metastatic breast cancer in November of 2017. I was 32 years old. My little boy had just turned 2. I had just celebrated my fifth wedding anniversary. My husband and I had just bought our first house and moved out of our minuscule Manhattan apartment. I'm now 33 years old so all of my friends and family lot of family members are having second and third and some even fourth babies. We have one child. We're very lucky but we're never going to have another. I have essentially lived one third of my expected life already. What I want for 2019 is to continue doing do the things that scare me. To continue to do the things that I can no longer put off until I have the time someday. I’m struggling to find the balance between… what will probably be… my last few years… spending time with my family and not driving everyone into deep deep debt with childcare needs. Spending time trying to figure out how to balance my health… how to balance my young child’s needs and his health… and trying to balance my desire to… leave something in the world… leave something behind… leave my legacy. 

Shelly: What do I want out of 2019? What a great question. I want to become more self accepting of myself and show myself the love that I didn't feel as a child. I want to feel that as an adult. And be happy with who I am because I have achieved a lot and overcome alot. And I need to accept myself. And... The risk is that I won't be able to do it... Because I'll find some excuse why I don't deserve it. But I'm also going to try to find a great support system to help me achieve these goals. And I know it won't just be 2019. It will be the rest of my life. But... 2019 is a great place to start.

Jenelle: I’ve worked hard on… knowing what to do when… my depression kind of comes… rising back up and I can feel it kind of coming back on. And I think in 2019 I think I'm ready for a baby. I'm kind of ready for the next chapter in my life and... I'm really longing to be a mother and I'm ready to embrace those challenges. And you know also I'm... mentally prepared to handle the possibility of another miscarriage. I feel confident that I have the tools now to get through something like that. So I think starting here in January 2019 I think my husband and I are going to start trying for a baby. I think that's so exciting. 

Jennifer: What do I want from 2019? My two biggest goals for next year are to have cleared the majority of the debt that I've accrued in my 10 years of adulthood and to purchase a house for my family. The thing standing in my way obviously to get the house would be my debt is standing in my way. It's a pretty big burden that I carry with me to try and pay this off as quickly as humanly possible. And I've had to make a ton of sacrifices to do this for probably one of the biggest things is my fear gets in the way of fear that I'm not able to do it or that I'm never going to get there and that I have to constantly rely on my patients to get me through this time to know that there is a larger goal in sight. I'm slowly chipping away at it. 

Sabrina : I want to be honest and I want to take care of myself. But I also want to continue taking the risks that I do on a daily basis. I want to say "hey I'm in love with you" when I feel it. I want to say "no" when I think it or I want to say I'm scared. And ask for help. I also want to be able to trust myself. And I really want to help my family. And I really want... To start doing what I know that I can do. I think I'm always waiting for the right time... all the social media voices tell you that there's no such thing as the perfect timing. But I feel that I'm not ready. I feel that I'm constantly not ready. And I feel that I have so much to go to reach to the point where I gain the tools to start working that... why should I even bother? Sometimes I tell myself that maybe... Maybe I could be happier with less? Which in a way... Feels... Ok but... not... Yeah. It's clear that I'm stopping myself. 

If you can’t tell, I am CLEARLY A FAN OF THERAPY. And am clearly a person who likes to spend time on the past, and on the future. A person who is desperate to spend more time on that little footbridge of the present.

That’s where you’ll find me this holiday season. Desperately searching for a footbridge? Yeah, kinda! 

So… Happy … ish Holidays to you. We hope that your past has been manageable, your present isn’t so bad, and your future looks… moderately reasonable.

Mackenzie: 2019. Promise me you'll be better because I don't think my heart can handle much worse.

I’m Nora McInerny, and this has been Happy… ish Holidays, from the American Public Media Podcast Terrible, Thanks for Asking. 

You can subscribe to our show… Terrible, Thanks for Asking...  on Apple Podcasts or Stitcher or any podcast app… it’s probably already built into your phone just waiting for you. You can also listen to our show and learn more about what we do online at ttfa.org.